Yesterday at the Fall 2023 Apple Event, Tim Cook took the stage to reveal the next revolutionary step in technology regression, the iPhone 15. Because what the world really needs right now is a phone that’s more expensive and just as tired as we all feel on Monday mornings.
In a stroke of sheer genius, the behemoth company decided to mark up the price of the iPhone 15 by a hundred bucks, just because they can. Indeed, Apple continues to answer the age-old question: “How much are people willing to pay to not improve their current situation whatsoever?” It seems this year’s answer comes with an extra Benjamin Franklin slapped onto it.
And don’t worry, Apple isn’t stopping their innovative regression there! In a valiant effort to ensure iPhone users are never too far ahead of the curve, the new iPhone 15 will replace the lightning cable with the cutting-edge (read: circa 2008) USB 3.0 cable. But don’t expect data transfer rates to match that new-fangled connector; no, Apple has generously capped transfer speeds at a blazing fast 480 megabits per second, (matching the transfer speed of 2001’s USB 2.0 cables) thus guaranteeing you ample time to enjoy a hearty meal, learn a new language, or even write a novel as you wait for your files to transfer.
But wait, there’s more. Prepare yourself to be utterly not dazzled by the exact same battery life that you’ve grown to tolerate from the iPhone 14. Yes, Apple decided to bypass the hassle of innovation and stick with the tried and true. In fact, Tim Cook boldly promised, “You won’t notice a thing!” as he touted the iPhone 15’s remarkably consistent ability to die right when you need it most.
Of course, no Apple presentation would be complete without a visual surprise. Hence, Cook proudly unveiled the iPhone 15 in a new, revolutionary color that has never been seen before on any gadget or device: pink. Yes, pink, the color that has been entirely unavailable to humankind until this historic day. Critics predict that this daring hue might just be enough to distract consumers from the glaring lack of updates. Or not.
So gear up to step into the past, with the all-new iPhone 15. Because, in the land of Apple, moving backwards is the new moving forwards. It seems the tech giant has once again proven that, when it comes to selling the same product year after year with minimal changes and a higher price tag, no one does it quite like Apple.