The world was stunned when biotech company Colossal announced it had successfully created a woolly mouse—a genetically modified rodent sporting thick, shaggy fur reminiscent of a prehistoric mammoth. While some questioned the scientific value of making mice extra fluffy, others saw dollar signs. Enter NeoFauna Innovations, a fledgling start-up that has decided to take genetic engineering to the next level—by creating an animal hybrid so bizarre that even they aren’t entirely sure what it will be.
“We saw the woolly mouse and thought, ‘That’s cute, but where’s the ambition?’” said NeoFauna Innovations CEO Bryce Vandar, a man who previously worked in “creative poultry breeding.” The company has promised to unveil a revolutionary new species within the year, though internal documents suggest their experiments have so far resulted in a disappointingly unmarketable “amphibious ostrich.” However, sources inside the company have leaked a possible name for the final creation: the Ostrifloon, an aquatic, web-footed, fur-covered monstrosity that, according to one scientist, “doesn’t so much run or swim as it glides ominously through its environment.” Despite the scientific uncertainty, the project has already attracted the attention of tech billionaires looking to get in on the next big thing.
Elon Musk, ever the visionary, has reportedly invested millions, hoping the new creature will be capable of surviving on Mars. “A furry, long-necked, semi-aquatic, oxygen-efficient animal might be exactly what we need to colonize the Red Planet,” Musk tweeted. “Also, I want to ride one.” Meanwhile, Jeff Bezos sees a more Earth-bound application: ultra-efficient delivery. “Imagine Prime shipments carried by a genetically superior beast, moving through cities with unprecedented agility,” said an Amazon spokesperson. “Thanks to its retractable webbed talons and built-in echolocation, the Ostrifloon can seamlessly navigate traffic, leap over congestion, and even swim through flash floods, ensuring on-time delivery no matter the conditions.”
Despite these grand ambitions, scientists remain skeptical. “We have no idea what they’re making,” admitted Dr. Susan Patel, a leading geneticist. “I don’t think they know, either. One leaked image showed something with hooves, but also gills. That’s concerning.” But with billions of dollars flowing in and a launch event already planned, one thing is certain: NeoFauna Innovations’ mystery creature is coming soon—whether science is ready for it or not.